In high school I kept myself really busy. I participated in Cross Country my freshman and sophomore year, performed in show choir and community musical theater, had a part time job working at Everything But Water at the mall and spent as much time with my friends as I could.
Being busy was the best way for me to distract myself from the loneliness I felt.
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy those things. I really did. My passion is music and theater so throwing myself into these activities actually helped in finding myself and learning about who I was as a person and what direction I wanted to go in life.
I participated in a beauty pageant to help kick up my self esteem. It is funny…for a little while I felt like I was one of those beautiful girls that all the boys adored in school. Just by strutting my stuff on stage.
My boyfriend and I were off and on. I could tell that while we cared for each other, he didn’t really want to be with me and I didn’t really want to be with him. And a lot of me wanted to just start life over, away from everyone else, and pursue my dreams.
So I auditioned for a performing arts school located in New York.
And I made it.
In fact I was all set to pack my bags and jump on that plane. To head towards a city that doesn’t sleep. To become a performer. But it still wasn’t going to cure my loneliness. My desire to find somebody to love. Somebody who loved me.
Would I still feel worthless while I was thousands of miles away from family?
During my senior year I met a guy who became one of my closest friends. He was a Christian. Let me tell you that I wasn’t exactly fond of Christians. I thought they were hypocritical, self righteous, legalistic and lacking compassion for the rest of the world. I had yet to meet a “Jesus follower” I liked.
But he was so different. He didn’t smoke, drink, or even cuss. He was way different than a lot of my friends. Oh and he talked about Jesus a lot and knew scripture.
And he was nice to me. He didn’t judge me. He even invited me to church a few times but I would turn him down. I wasn’t quite ready to be within two feet of a church. Surely after all I had done and who I was the church would cave in on me. Smite me oh mighty smiter!! (Name that movie).
The summer I turned 19 my boyfriend and I broke up (again) and this time I took my friend up on his invitation.
My life would never be the same.