We all have little secrets in our closets.
Things that we keep hidden from others. From those we love. Some of our secrets are darker than others. Some of them are visible and physical, yet we deny and do our best to create deceit in order to keep from being found out.
Some of choose to never share out of the fear we will never be accepted if the people we loved knew the truth.
I began reading my friend, Michelle Myers, book today.
Her struggle with Anorexia and obsessive over-exercise was something she couldn’t hide from. No matter how much she tried to deceive those around her from finding out the truth, she couldn’t deny it.
In her own words, she had to “stare at her skeleton in the mirror everyday.”
I am only a few chapters in, but my heart broke for Michelle. Whether we have struggled with Anorexia or some other hidden sin, I think we can all relate to her thought process. The desire to control everything. For acceptance. To fill a void.
I had my own battle with sin in high school and early college. I didn’t know Jesus. I didn’t think what I was doing was sin. Having sex with your boyfriend, looking at porn was natural. That’s what I believed. It was all a part of discovering who you were as a person.
Growing up, I was never the popular girl, the prettiest girl, the most athletic girl, or even the most talented girl. I sang, I performed in musicals, I competed in pageants, I competed in sports.
But I was never the best. To be quite frank, I was always beat out by another girl. In everything I have ever done.
A few times I had succeeded in beating out someone for a role, a race and even the crown. But I still felt inferior to someone else. I felt as though I still didn’t deserve to win because I wasn’t good enough.
In all of these things, all I really wanted was love. Attention.
Let me clear by saying that I have an amazing family. My dad did his best to not miss any of our events, concerts and races because he loved and believed in us so much. My mom was always home when we were home. They were great, and still are, great parents.
But in my insecurity and desperation to find myself and be loved and noticed, I threw myself literally into all of the wrong things.
I have never struggled with Anorexia. But that doesn’t mean I didn’t think about starving myself. In a very weird, morbid, sick and twisted way, I wished I had some sort of chronic illness…..like Anorexia or Cancer….so that someone would pay attention to me.
So that I could see if anybody really cared that I existed. And if I died, would anyone even notice?
In my search for who I am and for who loved me….the One who I belonged to and Who really loved me was calling to my heart. Whispering into my broken spirit to lean back into His arms and find rest there.
In His arms is where I found love. Where healing and rest took place.
I am thankful for the journey and recovery God brought me through. I now know Whose I am. And I am still growing as a girl pursuing God’s heart. I have much to learn, much to see, much to grasp and much to share.
And stories like Michelle’s, or even yours, remind me that we all have little secrets that we hope to keep hidden.
And that ultimately God sees.
And He still calls to us to come to Him.
P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with Anorexia, Bulimia or over-exercise disorder I encourage you to get this book.
If you are a girl and have struggled with porn, or know someone who has, please check out Dirty Girls Come Clean by Crystal Renaud.